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James and I both got watches as gifts from work, which is rather magnanimous of George. Especially since I've only been there a few weeks.

They came in these funny little domed cases. The cases snap closed and are rather fine, but I can't figure out what to do with them. Throwing them away seems a bit wasteful, and they're just so neat ... but the odd shape makes it difficult to think of anything that could be effectively stored inside. Any suggestions?

I suppose it would make a nice home for a muffin.

(On our last episode...)

Let's play Stump-the-AT&T-Customer-Service! Here's the question I just sent:

Hi, When purchasing an upgraded DSL plan, I am offered a $50 rebate on an $80 wireless gateway. Can you provide me with more technical details about the gateway? Which 802.11 protocol does it use? Who is the manufacturer, and what is the model name? Our household uses 802.11n Macs, a Wii, and a Nintendo DS, and I'd like to verify that they'll be compatible with the gateway that AT&T includes with a DSL plan upgrade. Thanks, Matt

Despite selling Internet equipment, I doubt anyone there will have any idea how to answer that. We'll see.

Update: Holy shit! Less than a day later, a response:

2WIRE model number = 2701HG-B
Broadband Interface = ADSL2+
HPNA Enabled = No
Ethernet Ports = 4
Wireless Enabled = HyperG 802.11g
USB PC = No
Firmware version shipped with = 5.29.47
Firmware version product can be Upgraded to = x.x

That last data point seems to be missing something, but otherwise, this is useful information. Why the fuck isn't it on their website?

So, now that I know that they're giving away a shitty router, the next step is to find out whether they'll support an Airport Extreme instead.

Estimated time spent dealing with the DSL so far: an hour and 45 minutes.

To celebrate my phallic spike in visitors, I've restored one of the functions of Ye Olde Bloge: The Expandotron! This was always a crowd favorite, and by crowd, I mean me.

To celebrate: instructions for building your own Expanotron on your own blog! Customize it and make it your own! Call it the Expand-o-tron to be different!

Here's the original documentation I wrote for the E-o-t, waaaaaay the fuck back in 2005. I am already irritated by my writing style of two years ago.

---

Good grief. Well that certainly was complicated. I wanted to add some expandy foolishness to the blog, as crowed about on LifeHacker and described here. But the only available instructions were barely instructions at all. So, if you'd like to know how to add fun little expandy bits to a website -- it's actually pretty easy, once you figure out how -- read on for my handsy, I mean handy, HOWTO.

Update: Oh damn. Never mind, it still needs a little tweaking; clicking one expandotron link causes all of the divs on the page to expand. Der. So, my technique doesn't exactly work. I'll keep at it.

Update update! Okay, I got it to work. I'm fairly shocked that I did, since my knowledge of CSS and JS are vastly insufficient for this sort of thing.

Shmupdate: Jamison pulled out some MT and JS help to make things run a bit smoother -- now you don't have to worry about entries with apostrophes and other JS-unfriendly characters in the title.

Flupdate: I've just figured out that because this uses trackback IDs to identify hidden divs, it won't work unless you have trackbacks enabled. So ... enable those trackbacks.

Step Arlington:
Put on some cozy pants. This won't work if your junk is all bunched up or you've got a wedgie. You'll just get uncomfortable and frustrated.

Step Berkeley:
If you have a stylesheet, put this in it:

div#expandotron
{
display: none;
margin: 0px 20px 0px 20px;

}

If you don't have a stylesheet, put this in the head of your HTML (or in the head of your template):

<style type="text/css">

div#expandotron
{
display: none;
margin: 0px 20px 0px 20px;

}

</style>

Step Clarendon:
Stick this into the head of your HTML (or your tempate):

<script type="text/javascript">
function toggleLayer(whichLayer)

{

if (document.getElementById)

{

// this is the way the standards work

var style2 = document.getElementById(whichLayer).style;

style2.display = style2.display? "":"none";

}

else if (document.all)

{

// this is the way old msie versions work

var style2 = document.all[whichLayer].style;

style2.display = style2.display? "":"none";

}

else if (document.layers)

{

// this is the way nn4 works

var style2 = document.layers[whichLayer].style;

style2.display = style2.display? "":"none";

}

}

</script>

(Note that the default display style has changed from "block" to "none." I have no idea why this is necessary, but it works, so let's go with it.)

Step Dartmouth:
This is the tricky part.
I'm going to make these instructions specific to Movable Type main-index templates, but it would be pretty easy for you to translate them to something else if you wanted to.
Find the spot in your MT main-index template where you want the "expand the extended entry" link to be. (It should probably be within the MTEntryIfExtended tags, so that the expandotron links only appear when they're needed, and don't appear when there's no Extended Entry.) Stick in this code:

<a href="javascript:toggleLayer('<$MTEntryTrackbackID$>');" onmouseover="window.status='expand <$MTEntryTitle encode=js="1"$>';return true">Engage the Expand-o-Tron to read more.</a>
<div id="<$MTEntryTrackbackID$>" style="display:none">
<$MTEntryMore$>

<a href="javascript:toggleLayer('<$MTEntryTrackbackID$>');" onmouseover="window.status='collapse <$MTEntryTitle encode=js="1"$>';return true">Unleash the Collapse-o-Tron!</a>

</div>

Step Exeter:
Okay, I lied, that wasn't so hard. I guess it just looks complicated.

Step Fairfield:
The onmouseover code that I used doesn't work on all browsers. In MSIE, it makes the status bar look pretty, but in Safari, it has no effect. I think Safari's view of things is more technically accurate, even though it's uglier. There's probably a better way to implement that sort of thing, but I don't know what it is. Maybe you do. If so, you win the partypants prize.

Step Gloucester:
You can add the following line to your RSS feeds if you like:

<MTEntryIfExtended><$MTEntryMore$></MTEntryIfExtended>

If you don't add that line, then RSS aggregators won't receive your extended entries. That means that if you have an extended entry, your RSS-reading readers won't know about it. I don't think there's a way to implement the expandotron via RSS, so you'll just have to broadcast your feeds with good old fashioned static text.

Also: it's pronounced Glawsstuh. Try to get it right.

Step Hereford:
Please let me know if you've given this stuff a go. I'd love to hear how it worked out, or failed to work out, or if you've got any questions, or what you think of my new haircut. Feedback = life.

(On the previous episode ...)
Okay, they wrote back the next day. I grudgingly admit that that's a pretty good response time.

Sadly, though, their response is weirdly confusing.

AT&T records indicate the rate of $17.99 for AT&T Yahoo! High Speed Internet was a promotional rate good for a period of 12 months. It appears that you will have successfully fulfilled this term on August 4, 2007 and the DSL rate was automatically converted to a month to month price plan, which is currently $34.99. At that point, an order will be placed to reduce your Pro speed level of DSL service to the rate of $24.99. It can take 1-2 bill cycles for the new rate to appear on your bill, however, the appropriate credits will be issued back to the date that your order completes. I apologize for any inconvenience that this may have caused.

Blah blah blah. I dare you to figure that out on your first reading. Basically, it boils down to:

- Your contract will be up on August 4
- We're going to start charging you double
- Except that we won't, because we're going to give you a $10/month discount for some reason
- So actually in the end we're just going to start charging you $7/month more

Okay, that sounds reasonable enough. But wait, it gets weirder.

You see that part where they're like, "the DSL rate was automatically converted to a month to month price plan, which is currently $34.99." But it's not, according to their own site -- Pro-speed service is $24.99/month. (Yes, I know that URL contains my phone number. Go ahead and call, bitchez, we don't have a functioning landline phone in the house so you can just knock yourself out.)

Why is customer service telling me that Pro-speed month-to-month costs $34.99 when their own site says it's $24.99? Also, Jesus Christ, can we please just call it $25 and $35?

At least, I think we've got the $24.99 plan and not the $34.99 plan. Let me just log in and check my bill to make sure -- oh, wait! What's this?

Fuckers.

Estimated time spend dealing with this issue: an hour and a half.

Eek, I just discovered that a lot of comments were getting accidentally junked. I tried to blacklist ".de" because a lot of spammers were using German domains, for some odd reason that probably has something to do with Goebbels. But I wound up blacklisting any comment that contains the letters D and E! Which is all of them.

Oops. Sorry.

On the plus side, I fixed the blacklist just in time for this tripe to slip through.

So, I'm trying to figure out what's going on with our DSL. Yesterday, I was unable to look up my account details. Today, I can call up my bill, but when I try to write to customer service, I'm presented with this ridiculous thing:

AT&T's inability to size a text box does not fill me with confidence.

Then there's this:

In order to send my question, I have to tell them my customer code ... which is an UNLABELED MYSTERY HIDE-AND-SEEK NUMBER on my bill, that I am somehow supposed to be able to psychically identify as the "customer code."

Anyway, here's what I wrote:

Hello, Can you tell me whether the price of my current DSL plan is about to change? I received an automated message on my answering machine from AT&T this week that I think was about a change to my DSL account, but the message was cut off before it had a chance to explain the reason for the call. Are there changes about to happen to my account? Thanks for your help, Matt

I typed in my details, and then clicked "send" and then ... I was sent to a completely blank white page. AAAARGH. I clicked back a few times, re-entered everything, and then got this message:

Contact Us Thank you Your message has been sent. You should receive a response to your email soon. We appreciate your questions and comments.

Oh, I should receive a response? Should I really? Well, THANK you. I can't wait to find out whether I actually do or not. Soon.

Estimated time spent so far dealing with this: one hour.

Update! I got this autoresponse:

Greetings,

Thank you for your email and for choosing the AT&T family of companies. We value your business and continued loyalty. We will make every attempt to respond to your inquiry within 48 hours. Your patience is appreciated.

While you are waiting for our email response, you may want to visit our online self-help tool, where many customers have found fast answers to their questions. Please visit: http://ask.sbc.com

Regards,

AT&T Customer Service

Safety Tip: Learn more about ensuring a safe Internet experience at:
http://sbc.com/safety

Did you catch those domains? Jeeeeesus, AT&T.

It continues, emphasis mine:

NOTICE: Based on the information you provided, our understanding of your request, and currently available data, we will address your inquiry to the best of our ability.

Okay. Thanks for the "NOTICE." It has certainly prepared me for a truly awesome customer service experience.

As you know, I have a bit of an issue when it comes to public restrooms. Namely, that they are revolting places, humiliating torture chambers wherein one is forced to assume vulnerable postures within close vicinity and palpable earshot of revolting bodily functions.

I don't like them.

Fortunately, at work, there is an infrequently-trafficked set of men's and women's rooms, set away in a dark corner far from any offices. The men's room can accommodate two users, one sitting and one standing; the women's has facilities for two sitters. I came to know this tonight under the most horrifying circumstances of my life.

I had just missed a bus home, so I had some time before the next one came. Since it was late in the day and few people were about, I snuck off to the rarely-used WC ... only to discover, upon entry, that it was in the process of being sanitized by a nervous man with a moustache.

We were both mortified to see each other.

"Oh, I'm sorry," we both said at the same time, like some kind of terrible sitcom love scene. To make matters worse, we then both said, "oh, no, that's okay."

I backed away. The bathroom was very small, so this involved a lot of tiny steps around his massive wheely yellow garbage can.

He advanced. "It's okay, it's okay," he kept demanding, gesturing inward.

"No, it's okay," I replied. I had no idea what I meant. At this point, I'd backed up far enough that I was in the door of the men's room -- inches from safety.

"Here, in here," he said, stepping up against me in the doorframe and leaning to push open the door to the women's room and gesturing for me to use it instead.

"Well, thank you very much," I said, my eyes wide and terror gripping my heart. I suddenly found myself alone, in the women's room, at the start of the third week of my new job.

Well, what could I do. These bathrooms were in the furthest recesses of the building; it was nearly 7pm. "There's no chance any women will come by," I thought as I stood unhappily in the handicapped stall, availing myself of its furnishings as speedily and emphatically as I was able.

And then two women walked in. Chatting. One of them lept right to the adjacent stall, and the other, horrors, stood at the sink and adjusted her hair. I know this because, in my state of panic, I could hear the foofing of her hairs as my endorphins prepared me to fight or flight. Which option to choose? I could bolt -- a strange man, unidentifiable in his speed, tearing out of the female employees' room. Or I could fight -- not physically, of course, because I'd lose; but, I thought, perhaps I could engage these women in debate, accuse them of wrongdoing, order them out of the room in an indignant huff.

And then the foofing hair-lady simply strolled out. I waited three seconds and charged from the room at full steam, running -- flat-out running -- to the bus stop, leaving the remaining lady to wonder uncomfortably why someone with men's shoes was using the stall next to hers.

I hate my life.

So, our DSL contract is about to expire, and I'm thinking about jumping ship. Even though SBC, with whom we had a particularly nasty experience, has morphed into AT&T, I still don't have any confidence in AT&T's customer service skills.

Speakeasy got bought by BestBuy, so that's out. Comcast has weird cable-bundling things that make no sense, and they want to send someone to your house if you have more than one computer, so that's out. Earthlink seems expensive. I wanted to compare them with my last AT&T bill, so I tried to log in and got this:

We're Sorry. We cannot process your request at this time. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please try again later. Go To AT&T.com

I hate Internet.

The new job is beating me to a pulp and I love it.

Pictures from last night's Frigid Bitch are now up on Flickr.

There are two construction vehicles backing up outside my window -- they're slowly pouring concrete, so they've been backing up for the last five minutes at least, and beeping in that way that they do. But one of the trucks' beeps are slightly faster than the other, so the wavelengths of the beep cycle do not match, and it sounds like someone singing a one-note off-key harmony and it is driving me FUCKING INSANE.

I've been meaning to post this for a while now, but only just got around to it today. It's the awful story of our attempt to widen our wireless network. After two months and a lot of money and shipping, SBC (now AT&T) was totally unable to accomplish anything.

Between the SBC E-Store and tech support, I spent hours on the phone. I also discovered that one of the perils of doing business with SBC is that, when you order equipment, they might accidentally send you something completely different, and then when you send it back, they charge you a restocking fee equal to 20% of whatever the device cost. Oh, whoops, we sent you a $100 router that you didn't want? Well, we'll take it back, then, but we'll also keep $20. (I know -- I can do a chargeback. But at this point I just want to whole problem to remain in the past and move on with my life, hopefully with as little SBC as possible.)

Also: the E-Store will tell you that you can get tech support on anything they sell. But when you call tech support, they say, "uh, we don't know how to do that."

Another highlight: we asked if a piece of equipment was Mac-compatible, and the saleswoman -- the woman selling computer equipment -- said, "I don't really know that much about computers."

9/2
Tried to use Linksys wre54g to expand wireless network
Error: Couldn't connect to access point in repeater mode.
tried turning of WEP security, and autoconfigure on expander
internet says that we need a router that supports wds (wireless distribution system)
model number of our 2wire router is 1701HG

9/3, 7:20pm
1-877-722-3755
adrian is helping us
we need a "wireless range extender"
adrian says that any brand should work
we told him that our linksys expander didn't work; he says "that's strange"
we should call the store at 1-800-861-2974
they can recommend a model that they support, and they will provide support if it doesn't work

9/3, 7:30
calling the e-store:
expected wait: 2 to 5 minutes (turns out to be more like 10)
jessica
netgear wgxb102na
wallplugged $135 - $9.95 shipping
1-year warranty
30 day return policy
20% restocking fee
if you need support, call SBC tech support

9/3, 7:50
calling tech support to make sure that equipment will work:
monica
using airport? yes.
did they sell you a 2wire expander? no, netgear.
let me check
long wait
the netgear expander will not be compatible with our 2wire router
we will need to physically plug it into our laptop
huh?

9/3, 8:00
store:
got jessica again
the netgear expander plugs from modem to outlet
sends that signal through house's electrical wires
you plug in the second box to receive the signal
broadcasts signal wirelessly -- no cables to plug into computer

9/6
received the package ... but it's a router, not what we ordered
and the box arrived unsealed -- it's just a blank white cardboard box with some cables and a device inside

9/6, 7:50
store:
bertha
order number 100396-2063089-1
should have been $50, not $109
send return to: SBC returns
500 south
500 west
linden ut 84042
14 days from receipt for refund
don't know when it'll be re-sent out; let's enter a new order right now to avoid delay
on hold
54 mb wallplug ethernet bridge -- just bridge
54 wallplug wireless range expander kit $135 (includes router)
asked if it works well. response: "well, my friend was telling me..."
mac compatible? "i'm not sure, i'm just going by what it says. i'm not technically trained."
"i don't know a lot about computers."
on phone for 10 minutes

9/6, 8:05
support:
mike
will the 2wire expander work for us?
mike: what did they try to sell you?
on hold
mike tried to look tech information up
mike: we don't have that information
mike: we only sell the 2wire, we don't manufacture it, so we don't know how to install/troubleshoot them
you should call 2wire
1-877-347-8680
or check 2wire.com to find out what bridge you need
on phone for 10 minutes

9/6, 9:25
support:
randy
model of our gateway?
on hold
we have 3 options: get another 2wire gateway, which receives a signal from our existing router and then plugs into the wall, using the electrical wiring to extend the signal
it's okay that no extenders work with 2wire gateways, because this isn't an extender
or pay more for premium tech support, and they'll tell us how to do it
or buy a netgear extender, compatible with the 2wire gateway and compatible with macs
on phone for 15 minutes

9/6, 9:40
e-store:
sarah
$135
2 boxes that plug into the wall; one near the modem, and the power outlet acts as a bridge
kit includes both pieces, single one is just one piece
netgear ethernet bridge $135 + $9.95 shipping
wgxb102na
one phone for 9 minutes

9/20, 3:11
e-store:
kimber
i explain that equipment hasn't arrived yet
asked my name
only the first order appears under my name
second order has simply vanished
let's re-order
on hold
it'll be $135+$9.95 shipping + $12.33 CA tax = $157.28
needed me to spell "san francisco"
needed me to spell "alabama street"
order number 100396-2474624-1
reference number 103385
PO number 2222222222 (that's ten twos)
7-10 business days
i asked about the restocking fee
did you set up a return? did they give you a return code?
on hold
address the box to SBC Returns: 2063089
SBC can't promise they won't charge the restocking fee
can I escalate to next tier of customer service?
yes, it'll be 24-48 hours for supervisor callback, but they'll tell you the same thing
let's go for it anyway
on hold
are you sure you want a supervisor call?
yes.
on hold
"they won't call you if it's something i can handle." "what do you want to tell them?"
she puts down: SBC sent wrong item, item was opened when received, I'd prefer not to pay the restocking fee since it's for an item I didn't order
she writes down my callback number
on hold
If they can tell it hasn't been tampered with, they won't charge you. Will they be able to tell? No way to know.
on phone for 31 minutes

Return package sent 9/23
Label/Receipt Number: 4208 4042 9104 1433 6481 3029 0251 17
Arrival at Unit, September 25, 2006, 4:01 am, PLEASANT GROVE, UT 84062
Delivered, September 25, 2006, 9:38 am, LINDON, UT 84042

10/2
SBC Refund finally processes the refund for the first (wrong) order - $118

10/7
Attempting to make the extender work
calling support: 3:15pm
randy
resetting PPPoE password: Ulh594
contact netgear for support
if they can't help, contact the dsl store
on phone for 7 minutes

3:33
1-888-netgear at 3:36pm
on hold
guy answers
asks for serial number
asks what operating system we have. OSX, is that windows xp?
it's a power line problem -- they need to be on the same circuit
trying all kinds of troubleshooting -- moving from outlet to outlet, changing firmware settings
case # 383-5641
it's not working -- the equipment must be broken
on phone for 57 minutes

1:28 10/16
calling sbc e-store for return instructions, since I can't make the equipment work
speaking with tasha
her computer froze, can't look up my order
rebooting...
verifying purchase...
i explain the equipment didn't work, that i called tech support and they couldn't help
she asks me for ticket number from my call to tech support
i don't know the ticket number -- they never gave me one
i can call back tech support and get the case number if i want an exchange
but i don't want an exchange -- just a return
RMA number is 2474624
ok, send it to 116 E Old Settlers Blvd, Round Rock, TX, 78664
i'll be charged a 20% restocking fee
up to 14 days to get credit from day that they receive it
must use a traceable carrier
needs to be postmarked by 20th

1:56 10/16
Shipped package, containing all the original product stuff, plus a copy of the packing slip, plus the RMA number inside the box, plus the RMA number outside of the box, plus the shipping label
used delivery confirmation: 0414 3364 8130 2902 5407

10/23
item was delivered at 1:18 pm on October 23, 2006 in ROUND ROCK, TX 78664.

11/09
Refund finally processed for the non-working extender: $117.18

---

Separately, I was having this much more productive conversation with 2Wire Tech Support. (It's in reverse chronological order, irritatingly.)

Subject
Can I expand the range of my 2wire gateway?

Discussion Thread
Response (Ed B.) 09/07/2006 11:13 PM
Dear matt,

Thank you for contacting 2Wire Customer Support. The following is intended to answer your inquiry:

I have seen the Netgear ethernet bridge kit that you are referring to on SBC/AT&T's online store before. Since is takes an ethernet connection from the HomePortal, translates it to Powerline networking, then translates from Powerline to Wireless, it will work with your 2Wire HomePortal. Other wireless range extenders use proprietary extensions to the IEEE 802.11b/g specifications in order to rebroadcast the signal -- this one is like running a long ethernet cable to another wireless access point, with the long cable being replaced by convenient Powerline networking. This type of range extender *should* work just fine, as long as there are no conflicts with your power wiring. Be aware that the Netgear may require additional configuration to make sure its network is secure like your HomePortal's -- please check the documentation that comes with the Netgearfor more information.

If this response has not answered your question or resolved your issue you may visit our support Website at http://support.2wire.com or reply to this email.

Thank You,
Ed B.
2Wire Customer Support
http://www.2Wire.com
Customer on 09/07/2006 09:52 PM
Hello,
Thanks for your very quick response. I am told by AT&T tech support that my 2Wire 1701HG gateway is compatible with a Netgear ethernet bridge kit -- it's a combination of devices that plug into the wall, using the house's electrical wiring to convey the wifi signal and then rebroadcast it. Is this something that you are familiar with? Is AT&T correct that it will work with my 2Wire 1701HG gateway? Thanks again for your help,
Matt.
Response (Justin D.) 09/07/2006 08:45 PM
Dear matt,

Thank you for contacting 2Wire Customer Support. The following is intended to answer your inquiry:

2Wire does not manufacture any range extenders. There are no 3rd party range extenders that can connect to the HomePortal®/Residential Gateway® itself. If you are using the 2Wire Wireless PC Card (PCMCIA) then there is one range extender we know of that will work with that adapter. It is manufactured by Orinoco. You can find it here: http://www.proxim.com/products/wifi/accessories/rea/index.html
**Note: this range extender is NOT compatible with the 2Wire Wireless USB adapter.

Here are some tips to help you get the best performance:

The best place to put your Access Point is as close to the center of the area that you want to cover.

The worst place to be (weakest signal) is directly under an Access Point (assuming that the Access Point's antenna is vertically oriented and omni-directional).

You'll probably do best if you orient your Access Point or Wireless Router's antenna(s) vertically.

Keep antennas away from large metal objects like filing cabinets and away from operating microwave ovens or 2.4GHz cordless phones. Also watch out for large containers of water... fish tanks or water heaters for example! 2.4GHz phones are the biggest conflict because they operate on the same frequency the wireless does. You may want to use either 900mHz phones or 5.8GHz phones.

Also make sure your body isn't between the antenna and the Access Point

Avoid Access Point placement close to an outside wall (unless outside is where you want to be). Also, if you want to connect while you're outside, place the Access Point near a window. Note that each wall between the connecting computer and the access point adds up to an additional 75 feet of distance due to the structure buffering the signal.

If this response has not answered your question or resolved your issue you may visit our support Website at http://support.2wire.com or reply to this email.

Thank You,
Justin D.
2Wire Customer Support
http://www.2Wire.com
Customer on 09/07/2006 08:27 PM
Hi,
I have AT&T DSL, and previously had SBC DSL before they merged. I'm using the 2Wire 1701HG that SBC provided me with about a year ago. Our signal strength power setting is currently set to 10, but the signal is not strong enough to cover our entire house. We would like to purchase equipment that could boost the wireless signal to other rooms of the house. I called AT&T tech support, and they said they didn't know if such a product existed. They said that I should contact 2Wire and ask if there was a bridge or range expander that is compatible with the model gateway that we have. Is this something that 2Wire can assist me to purchase? Thank you very much for your help.
Matt

Question Reference #060907-000058
- Show quoted text -
Product Level 1: HomePortal
Category Level 1: Wireless
Date Created: 09/07/2006 08:27 PM
Last Updated: 09/07/2006 11:13 PM
Status: Solved
Case ID:

Do you?

Uh oh. I didn't think I needed an iPhone -- sure, it's pretty and lovely and nice, but $500! And then $70ish a month! Eek. I definitely do need a new phone, though, so I started the evaluation process. Whenever I make a biggish purchase, I put together a semi-complicated spreadsheet with weighted scores on various criteria, just to make sure I get the most empirical, objective, non-negotiable, scientifically certain, unimpeachably perfectest solution.

Which, it turns out, is an iPhone.

In my personalized scoring system, it nets 381.2 out of 580 -- the nearest competitor, the Samsung Sync, staggers in at 284.04. Or, if you want to be more precise, iPhone meets 65.72414% of my criteria, and the Sync only 48.97241%.

Here's a quick view of the results of my examination -- and a bigger, expanded version appears beneath that.

I fear that my next step is clear.

	Score out of 100
iPhone (4gb)	65.7
SYNC by Samsung	49.0
Samsung A717	48.9
Pantech C3B	46.4
Sony Ericsson W810i	46.2
Nokia 6126	44.5
Samsung A727	43.5
Motorola KRZR	42.6
Ericsson w610i	41.2
Nokia 6102i	41.1
Nokia N75	41.1
Motorola V365	36.9
MOTORAZR V3xx	36.0
Erisscon w660i	32.2
Cingular 3125	32.1
Ericsson w300i	30.9
Motorola L6	18.4
Ericsson s500i	11.0