Frigid Bitch: It's like a 12-step program for assholes.
Lunch Lines: A noontime sentence.
Joseph Campblog: Exploring the books of Joseph Campbell.

Salutations, fags and fruit flies. As I have been warning you all along, FB4 commences this Saturday, the 30th, with all the fanfare and shrieking in tongues that befits the arrival of a false prophet. A number of changes have been instituted this year to ensure that FB's fourth year is the least miserable, so pay attention.

You have been placed on a new list: Frigid Bitch Core. Members of FBCore will be invited with maximum enthusiasm to all events, because your presence is an automatic guarantee of success. Unvetted newcomers and individuals on probation will be placed on the Frigid Bitch Cadets list. May God have mercy on their souls.

Also: We're doing Saturdays from now on. And at Twin Peaks. Because the only people at Cafe Royale on a Friday night are there to cry.

So, now that all that's out of the way: exactly what IS your problem? No need to answer right away; simply waltz into Twin Peaks this Saturday at 9pm and we'll be only too glad to tell you.

Looking forward to it.

Ravenously,

Sheila

Hello to you, compatriots! And to you, mysterious BCCed recipients. It's time once again for Fake Frigid Bitch, the almost-official, almost-strenuous, almost-exclusive checkin with relaxed rules and friendlier atmosphere. You are cordially (!) invited to waft into Twin Peaks this Saturday August 2nd at 9pm to explain yourself. Dress comfortably and bring someone interesting. The official drink is the Bengali Puckerfish.
Yours etc,
Sheila

WHAT ON EARTH? It's a Frigid Bitch on a Saturday, of all places! And at Twin Peaks, of all times! Yes, it's true: you are begrudgingly invited to the next-to-final checkin of Frigid Bitch 4 (or 5 ... I can't remember which year we're in) at 9pm on Saturday, July 5, at Twin Peaks at Market and Castro. We'll be staking out a spot upstairs on the dangling lanai, so you can just brush on past the crowds on the ground floor. You've got important complaining to accomplish! Extra points will be awarded for the wearing of neckties, oh yes and also for the Accomplishment of Things.
Nothing out of the Ordinary,
Sheila

So! It's finally spring, when a young person's heart turns to fancy. Gone are the regrets of winter; and before us unfold crisp, fragrant days offering nothing but promises and obeisance to our plans. You do have plans, don't you? Of course you do. If not, I'd have removed you from this list as I have done to so many in the past, and, inevitably, to so many in the future.
Friday, May Second; Nine PM, Cafe Royale in the Tenderloin. Summer is the time for Doing Things, and next Friday will be an excellent opportunity to brag about the lovely few months that lie ahead; and to improve upon your plans by involving the other spectacular individuals who will no doubt in in attendance.
Don't wear anything ... complicated.
Love,
Shiela

Frigid Bitch will be held this Friday at 9pm at Cafe Royale in the Tenderloin. It is going to be fantastic.

Oh I see what's going on. Distract me with nice weather during the week prior to Frigid Bitch, and you think I'll neglect to send out the email. Well FORGET it. This is the crucial seventh month (seventh!) and your participation has never been more urgent. And I suppose you'd claim that you can think of something BETTER to do at 9pm on March 7th at Cafe Royale in the Tenderloin? No, no you can't; because you spend every Friday night sitting at home giving your cat a perm and learning to play the conch.
We'll be up on the balcony, just like last month; so don't go looking for us amongst the ground-floor tables. Also, bring a candle, because it's fucking dark up there.
Ta.
Sheila

Can be found here: http://www.jacksonwest.com/frank-speaks/

So it's a Frigid Bitching you're after, is it? Well then you've come to the right place. Friday! February 1st! Nine PM! Cafe Royale in the Tenderloin, I'm feeling aggressive this month because I accomplished far more work on my project this January than I have in any month since I started this little scam.
How about you? Were you as productive as I? No, you could not possibly have been, even if you are Steven, who claims to have made some headway in the last few weeks. And even if you are Setch, who has a ton of free time now that he's no longer spending every waking moment lighting things on fire. Or even if you are John, who finally deigned to respond to one of my FB emails but then snubbed us all by declining to attend.
So anyway. The point of all this is, we're expecting you to show up; but we're not expecting you to show up empty-handed.
Rambunctiously,
Sheila

Well, here we are. Nearly 2008. This year wasn't so bad, for all its faults -- I mean, it wasn't totally abusive, like that loathsome 2006. Remember 2006? Ugh! Let's never speak of it again.
But still -- could've been better. Fine, the year didn't thrash you to a pulp; but why didn't YOU thrash IT? I was hoping you'd actually make good on all your big talk, and your delicious potential, and your terrifying threats. Frankly, I expected better. We ALL expected better. I'm sure YOU expected better.
But hey, look, it's a new year! A perfect time to get off your ever-swelling ass and do those things that you're always sighing about. At our next meeting -- Friday, the fourth, at Cafe Royale at 9pm -- I'll be consulting my clipboard and assigning homework. January checkin is MANDATORY for all participants (as is EVERY checkin) and if you miss this one, you won't know what'll be due from you in February.
Also at the January checkin: brainstorming about where we'll be holding future checkins, now that we're ready to say goodbye to Cafe Royale. So if you'd like to suggest the next venue, THIS is the meeting at which your demands might finally be taken seriously.
Withered and gray,
Sheila

It's time to stop this ridiculous pretense and come clean. But where, and when? Oh yes, at Frigid Bitch. THAT. How on Earth could I have forgotten?

It's tomorrow, Friday, at 9pm, you know. Cafe Royale at Post and Leavenworth. Brock will be wearing his black prince; Setch will fume; Daniel will do a HYUGE presentation about, I don't know, farm animals or something. Hopefully Laurie can finally relent to a haircut now that Halloween is over; Ron may re-appear; and that whats-his-name, Christopher or Bertram, maybe he'll be back. (Doubtful.)

Honestly, it'll be EVER so delightful. If you pretend you can't make it, we'll know EXACTLY what to think of you. And of your continued presence on the guest list.

Wise to your jive,

Sheila