You there! The ugly one whose nose looks like a bike horn!
Can it possibly be a coincidence that last month's Frigid Bitch, the least-attended in history, was also the most successful? Yes! Surely! It must be a coincidence! Because the alternative is too horrible to contemplate.
But I'll tell you what's not too horrible to contemplate: your many debts and obligations. Not just to society, or to the Cheese of the Month Club, but to YOURSELF. Or, more specifically, to me. For you have made a commitment (willingly or otherwise) to accomplish something, anything, over the course of the next 11 months; and by gum I intend to hold you to it. Or to hold it against you. Anyway, I won't be satisfied until I'm holding something. OR SOMEONE.
For example: Brock promised to obtain some black prints, and to meet more overweight women. DTHMatt is working on his animation. Setch has a top-secret plan, probably to take over the world. Andy has decided to take up knitting. And I am perennially on the cusp of having a novel.
And so now, what of you, you bramble-thicket of lies? What have you done for us lately? And by us, I mean yourself.
Prepare to explain yourself next Friday -- the fifth -- at 9:00pm, at Cafe Royale in the miserable Tenderloin. The consequences of your continued failure to attend are simply too horrible to contemplate.
Shrilly,
Shiela